We Love This Joke....
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. Then pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Tell Me If Any Of These Chat Up Lines Work...
Hand out cards saying: "Smile if you want to sleep with me" and watch them hold back their laughter.
At the photocopier: "Reproducing hey? Can I help?"
Woman: "Excuse me, do you have the time?" Man: "Do you have the energy?"
"Bond. James Bond."
"I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?"
Send Free E-Cards!
There are 100 nuns in a room, when the mother superiour walks in.
She says "Nuns, we have a problem. Last night the nunnery was broken into."
99 nuns say "ohhhh!!" and 1 nun says "He He He"
Then the mother superiour says" When the nunnery was broken into we found a used condom."
99 nuns say "ohhh!!" and 1 nun says "He He He"
Then the mother superiour says" When we looked at the condom, we found out that it had split."
99 nuns say "He He He" and one nun says "ohhh!!"
yo momma so stupid when she went to the airport and saw the sign airport left, she went home.
yo momma so stupid she stared at an orange juice box 4 20 minutes cause it said concentrate.
yo momma so stupid she took a ruler with her to bed to see how long she slept
yo momma so stupid she got fired from nestly for trowing out all the W's at the M&M factory
yo mama is so fat...she takes a shower in the niagra FALLS!!!
ur mama is so fat...it takes 1 year to dry her clothes.
yo mama is so fat...she dries her clothes in the desert
yo mama is so fat...when she gave up chocolate for a sacravice...that she wanted one so bad, so she ate her shyt!!!!!
yo mama so fat...when she was on weight watchers on x mas, when santa came down to eat his cookies, they werent there cuz ur mama ate them and she got extra points!!!!
yo mama so fat...when she was turned into a toy... her fraise was " FEED ME"!!!
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup!, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town together, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Q#1- How do you kill a blonde?
A#1- put a scratch & sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool
A#2- Put her in a round pool, and tell her to not stop swimming untill she gets to the corner
Q#2- how do you confuse a blonde?
A- put her in a round room and tell her to pee in the corner
A reporter went to a house to interview a blonde with 15 sons
"so what are your sons name?" he asked
"bobby" the blonde replied
"and what?" the blonde asked
"do you mean the all your sons are called bobby?" the reporter asked shocked
"how do you tell them apart?"
the blonde smiled "thats easy they all have different last names"
This blonde was living in a world where they didnt serve dumb blondes. She of course was a natural blonde so she tried to cover it up. She put a red wig on and walked into to this store. She told the clerk I'd like to buy that T.V, he said no, we dont serve dumb blondes. So she went home and put on a black wig and came back the next day. She told the clerk I'd like to buy that T.V., he said no, we dont serve dumb blondes. She comes back the next day and asked the clerk, "how did you know i was a dumb blonde?".
He replied and said, "that's not a T.V., thats a microwave".
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who sank it. Joe spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife died suddenly. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said: "I'm so sorry for your loss, You must feel terrible". Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said: "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled horrible. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and smelled . But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle......." The old woman fainted
On A Deserted Island Are 3 Women 1 Blonde,1 Brunette,1 Red Head. They Are Really Hungry And Thirsty And They Can See Main Land 20 Miles Away,One Day The Red Head Decides To Swim There,She Swims 5 Miles And Gets Ripped To Shreds By A Shark!!The Brunette Was Starving So She Decided To Swim There Aswell But She Only Makes It 13 Miles And She Drowns!!Now There Is Only The Blonde Left, She Is Starving,Thirsty And Lonely So She Decides To Swim There Aswell, She Swims 15 Miles...5 Miles Left...She Must Continue But Shes Getting Tired So She Swims Back!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer:
....Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos:
..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh?)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)